Fitting Ends was a website whose tagline was “Where You get to decide how a celebrity should meet their maker!” and invited people to nominate celebrities and how they would like to see them meet their end, with as much humour and originality as they could manage.
That was not much in my case, but here are my entries (yes, using two usernames) for Fast Show comedian, Paul Whitehouse:
Bored to death? by john anon
The old murdering game? All that stabbing, and shooting, and bludgeoning? Hardest game in the world. Done it meself, you see. 30 years, man and boy. Started with just bludgeoning school boys for pocket money, then turned professional when the bottom fell out of my job as an international spy and I had to take on contracts against annoying celebrities. Always pleading for their lives, and splattering their blood all over you. Yeah, hardest game in the world, murdering.
Ahhhh! Suit you, sir by Zanon7c
Suit for your funeral is it, sir? Ahhh! Will there be lots of ladies there, sir? Ohh! Will they be sobbing over your coffin, sir? Their bosoms heaving for you, sir? Ahhh!! Young lady, sir? Ahh! With big sad eyes and peach round bottom? Do you think she’ll be wanting it, sir? Do you think someone will push her forward over your coffin and take her roughly from behind? Will you be able to hear her moans, sir? “Oh, take me, big boy!” Ahh!! Suit you, sir!
Shhh! by john anon
You haven’t seen me, right?
Slow death for fast comic? by Zanon7c
Paul was found in his garden today, killed by his gardener, Jesse. His body was impaled on a rake handle, and his head pulped by repeated battering with a shovel. When asked why he did it, Jesse just said: “This week I shall mostly be murdering annoying comedians.”
Nice by john anon
Fast Show comedian, Paul Whitehouse was buried today at his local church. Patrick, a neighbour, giving the eulogy said “Paul was a great bloke. He once donated a kidney for my daughter, lent me his Ferrari for as long as I liked to return if I could be bothered, and gave my wife the best seeing to she says she’s ever had.” “Which was nice.”
©John Steele, 2005, 2008