Another selection of my entries on the now defunct Fitting Ends website. My nominations tended to be a mixture of people I don’t like and people I really, really do.
Mummy knows best by john anon
Having received permission to film part of Tomb Raider 3 in a newly discovered Egyptian tomb, they’re delighted to find that they’ve left in all the original artefacts, and the mummy discovered within it. Fortunately it’s also still got the original mummy’s curse and when Ms. Jolie is left alone there to ‘soak up the authentic atmosphere’ to inform her performance, the mummy springs back to life. Mistaking her for the bitch of a queen responsible for his premature death, the mummy lurches towards her, overpowering her with its supernatural strength, and throttles her. A reallly, really good throttling.
Dies in crash by Zanon7c
In an effort to cheat Death, Bill has his consciousness transferred into an android version of himself, in the year 2049. Unfortunately, in a cruel twist of Fate, the android is given Windows 98 as its operating system. Consequently Bill dies again. And again. And again. And again. 17 times a day for the rest of his existence.
Mistaken identity by john anon
Whilst filming for his latest bird watching series, an owl mistakes him for a small vole and swoops him up to feed to its young, who greet the meal (in owl screech) with: ‘Ooooo, goody goody, yum yum!!’.
Wrong again. by Zanon7c
Is blown off the roof of the BBC Weather Centre by a freak wind just as she’s reporting there’s a depression over the whole country. The whole country immediately cheers up at the sight of her demise. Bloody weathermen never get it right.
Nice way to go? by john anon
Dies of sheer ecstacy after a marathon love-making session with yours truly.
Wot a feature! by john anon
Doing a makeover in a particularly small garden, she trips and falls into the cement mixing machine. Encased in concrete, and now short of a water feature, they decide to use her statued body as the focalpiece instead.
Charlie has her chips by Zanon7c
The flame haired beauty dies during a garden makeover when her long locks get caught up in a garden waste chipping machine and she is pulled inside and diced into a thousand pieces. Unable to separate her remains from the garden waste already chipped, they just use her as fertiliser on the garden’s vegetable patch. She is later reincarnated as a crop of King Edwards.
The Spice Girls:
Zigga Zig arrrrrrrrh!!! by john anon
They are all run over by a London bus on the way to the music studio to record their reunion album. The bus being driven by a bunch of music lovers who’ve hired it for the occasion. Witnesses report they heard a chant emanating from the bus of “We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want: You to DIE! DIE! DIE!!!
©John Steele, 2005, 2008