The Secret Service Poet

Shhhh! If my appearance surprises you
Whatever you do, don’t show it.
Because I’m working undercover as….
….a Secret Sevice Poet!

Aye, I know you’ve never heard of us
We don’t leak like M.I.6.
An’ we don’t go advertising ourselves
Like them-there private dicks.

Nah, for with dangerous felons we have to deal
And murderous platinum blondes;
I tell yer, it’d scare the living daylights out of
That-there Jimmy Bond!

For however dark and black the night
We have to stalk the roughest roads
Sneaking up behind said felons and…
…recite them awful odes! {like this one}

And should they turn and blatantly sneer
We give them a comtemptuous sniff {sniff}
And then we get really nasty and…
….recite them Kipling’s IF.

Take, for example, my last case
Which concerned a Peter Prose
A foul and unwashed fellow
Who smelt (unlike a rose)

And who each day murdered our language
With purple prose and pun
For he was that foulest of creatures:
…a journalist, for The Sun!!!

And so he had to be punished
And my duty was crystal clear
I had to eschew all mercy and….
…..sing into his ear!

And so when he begged for pity
I just laughed my cruel laugh (ha-ha, hah!)
And told him I was Licensed to Shrill
Cause I was double-O, two and a half.

Yes, you should have seen his horrified face
Cause my cruelty it did shock him
But still, just in case it didn’t work
I took me gun…and shot him!


©John Steele, c.1989, 1992, 2008, 2011
This is the poem I chose to recite when I auditioned for BBC TV’s Opportunity Knocks talent show. I wrote a short article about it in The Bentilean Mini-mag Issue 2, titled Confessions of an Op Knocks failure.

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