A letter from Tesco DVD Rental

I wrote the following the other week, to a friend, in response to a mailing from Tesco DVD Rental. You are meant to imagine the middle class couple from The Catherine Tate Show whilst reading it.

I got a letter today from Tesco DVD Rental.

Red it was.

Bright red. Printed with Christmas snowflakes.

Snowflakes. And it’s only turned December.

Addressed to me.


Not “The Occupier”. Or “To whom it may concern”. Or some such. But specifically to me.


So they know who I am.

Know all my shopping habits, what with their Tesco Clubcard.

So they know me.

And the letter was addressed to me.

“We know exactly what you want”. It said.

Those very words. “We know exactly what you want”.

“…three months of Tesco DVD rental…”.

They weren’t wrong.

Three whole months of DVDs falling through my letterbox again.

90 days. Of free DVD rentals. Twice a week. Three if I was lucky.

I’d have to be very lucky.

Just visit their site and type in the voucher code on the plastic card they’d included.

A plastic card.

They’d gone to that much trouble. It was red too.

A voucher code away from 90 days of free DVD rentals.

A magic card. A wonderful card.

“I’m sorry but our records show that you’ve already had a comeback offer and you aren’t eligible.”

Then why send me the card?

The Evil, hope-raising bastards.

©John Steele 2009

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