They’re back!….Mortimer & Mears!! (That’s Dick and Sarah)

Mears: Well, here we are, back for another issue.

Mortimer: I told you that photo would work, didn’t I?

Mears: You did, but I didn’t need to use it.

Mortimer: You didn’t need to use it?

Mears: No, he was so overcome by the season of goodwill he was delighted to have us back. On one condition.

Mortimer: One condition? You haven’t got to join a nunnery, have you? Forsake all worldly pleasure and Wogan on the telly?

Mears: No. I’ll give you a hint. (She twirls.)

Mortimer: The costume! I wondered why you were wearing that tea cosy and them-there wellingtons.

Mears: It’s not a tea cosy, it’s my elf-hat.

Mortimer: Your what?!

Mears: My elf-hat. Because this is, or is close to, or just past, the Christmas period, the editor thought it would be a good idea if I dressed up as one of Santa’s helpers.

Mortimer: But why fishnet stockings? And why-O-why is half your dress missing?

Mears: It isn’t. This is all there is. The editor likes me like this. He said I was so good last issue I might end up with a show of my own. What do you think of that?

Mortimer: It’s obvious! he’s after the photo! don’t give it to him. We could end up with half the mag if we play our cards right.

Mears: It’s not true! He’s not after the photo. He’s just spotted my talent, that’s all.

Mortimer: The dirty little devil!! And you let him, I’m shocked!

Mears: Anyway, I think we better get on and tell the ladies and gentlemen…

Mortimer: And Bentilee Volunteers?

Mears: …them too…just what we have for them this issue.

Mortimer: They can all see what you’ve got for them!

Mears: The readers can’t

Mortimer: Gladys can. Very imaginative is my Gladys.

Mears: Filthy, you mean.

Mortimer: That too. We have a very special treat today….only someone who appeared on the Morecambe & Wise shows.

Mears: Good they were. I liked the tall one with glasses.

Mortimer: Ann Hamilton.

Mears: That’s the one! Who is this special guest then?

Mortimer: None other than Horror King, Peter Cushing!!!

Mears: Well, let’s get him on then. Ladies and gentlemen ( Mortimer: And Bentilee Volunteers!), a Big Bentilean welcome for Peter Cushing!

(Enter Peter.)

Peter: Hello, it’s so good to be on your show again, but will you be paying me this time?

{Mortimer: What’s he on about, “again”? And what all this stuff about paying him?}

{Mears: I don’t know. I never said anything about payment.}

Mortimer: Hello there, Peter. We’re a little confused. Neither of us has ever met you before in our lives, and what’s all this about paying you?

Peter: Come over here.

{Peter: I was told you wanted me to act like Peter Cushing,
and that’s all he did when he went on Morecambe & Wise,
ask about his money.

Mears: You mean this isn’t Peter Cushing?

Mortimer: Of course it isn’t! It’s the landlord of the Waggon O Clay Cottage,
pub meals served twice daily.

Peter: Once on Sundays.

Mortimer: I’m sorry to hear that!

Mears: Well he’s no good. You can’t just ask about your money,
people are expecting a comedy routine.

Mortimer: He could sing.

Peter: I can’t sing.

Mears: All the funnier.}

Mortimer: I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, and that fella over there in the pink shirt — very nice madam! ( Mears: He’s not a Bent’ Vol’ is he?) — he’d have to be dressed like that! Apparently, Peter Cushing can’t stay. He’s got to rush off to Wigan to make “Frankenstein Meets the Son of the Grandson of Dracula’s Auntie, Part II”.

Mears Well, goodbye Peter, thanks for coming.

{Mortimer: By the way, you won’t forget about later, will you?
A pint of lager and a packet of pork scratching, and a small Martini
with one of those pink umbrellas and a cherry.

Mears: Funny drink for a man.}

Mortimer: Well, what do we do now?

Mears: As I’m still dressed in this seasonal attire.

Mortimer: Well, almost!

Mears: How about something Christmassy?

Mortimer: Brilliant!!

Mears: What are you doing with your right hand?

Mortimer: Well, you said do something Christmassy.

Mears: Yes….

Mortimer: So I’m giving you my present.

Mears: Mmmmmm…just what I’ve always wanted.

Mortimer: Bring me sunshine…..


Copyright John Steele, 1990, 1999, 2011
When I got my hands on a computer with a proper DTP program on it, I suddenly found myself with a lot more empty space to fill up and so used more of my own writings, including two of these Mortimer & Mears scripts. This one is evidently inspired by all those Morecambe & Wise Christmas Shows I seen as a kid, including an appearance by Peter Cushing!
Once again the author wishes to acknowledge the assistance of Daryl John Farrington in the writing of various bits of this script.

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